2019 ACFW Carol Award WinnerI have had a BUNCH of emails about my last post. 🙂 Thanking me, begging me for help, telling me you’re completely lost, but want to try. Remember, we are all in this together, we should be helping one another, encouraging one another, holding one another accountable.
None of us are perfect. There has never been a perfect parent on this earth, nor will there ever be. We should strive to follow God’s example – because we are His children. And HE is the perfect example.
First, I’m going to ask some interesting questions.
#1 – Have you noticed the difference in the children in our society today?
#2 – If you lived fifty years ago, or a hundred years ago, would you be raising your child in the same manner? (i.e. discipline, standards, rules, etc.)
#3 – Are you consistent in your parenting, and do you follow through?
I had a mom email me – and she asked me to share her story here. 🙂
She has four children under six years old. Twins (almost six), a four-year-old and a two- year-old. One has been diagnosed with ADHD and has other issues. Another has issues that we will keep private. Needless to say, this mom has no easy task on her hands. She’s always worn out. And she feels like she’s failing.
She wrote to me and said, “I cried when I read your post. Those are my children, they scream when they don’t get their way, they run over people everywhere we go, and friends don’t invite us over anymore and I know it’s because of my children. Last time we went to someone’s house, my children were running all over the place, and when the hostess told them ‘no’ about something, they asked her ‘why?’ They question everything. They jumped on her furniture and threw pillows. This older lady sat me down and said, ‘you need to find someone to help you with your kids.’ I knew it was true, but I wanted to get defensive, my pride kicked in and I wanted to tell her what a hard job it was and that I thought I was doing pretty good. Then my ego deflated as I looked into her caring eyes. She wasn’t attacking me, she wanted to help. I’ve always thought I could handle it. I’ve prayed about it…over and over. I’m always tired. I’m not doing my kids any good.”
This mom and I emailed back and forth. I asked her a few questions. She realized right away one of her mistakes – made out of her effort to be a great mom (just because you make mistakes does not mean you don’t love your children, or that you don’t want to be the best parent you can be.) Her mistake? She was revolving around her children. Have you ever heard that illustration? Either the parents are the nucleus, or the children are the nucleus. Who revolves around who?
Illustration: This mom would say, “I would like you to go clean your room, all right?” Was this mom asking her child’s permission? Who becomes the authority? The kids never did it, or followed through. She would say, “If you don’t clean your room, I’m going to do _____. ” And then, the child wouldn’t do it, so she would come up with another one, “If you don’t clean your room, I’m going to take away _____.” The child still wouldn’t do it – but what was really the cause? The mom didn’t follow through. She was inconsistent. And that’s the example she was showing them whether she wanted to or not.
Illustration: God gave Adam and Eve the rules – they broke the rules – even as much as He loved them, He had to follow through with His discipline – the consequences. What if God had not been consistent? Ouch.
Are you willing to follow God’s example? It’s tough. It’s sometimes heartbreaking. But it needs to be done. His love is unconditional. Just like our love for our children should be. And His forgiveness is unending. Just because we follow through with discipline doesn’t mean we aren’t forgiving. There are always consequences, but there should also always be forgiveness.
Her last email was beautiful. Here’s part of what she said:
“I realized how many times I had begged God to help, but didn’t go search His Word to find the answers. I looked at other people in our society, I looked to books by experts that didn’t point me to His Word. I blamed the society and times that we lived in.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother. She would yell and scream, kick and hit. So I decided I would never raise my voice or spank. I’ve always tried to persuade my children to do what was right, I was always reasoning with them, as if their logic would prevail. And all of this took so much time and energy. I was pouring energy into being inconsistent – whereas had I poured my energy into being consistent – things would be completely different.
My husband came home and we talked about it. He’s never been involved because I never let him be involved, and he felt just as clueless. We’ve only been at this a few hours now and the change is amazing. And I’m not near as tired, and I’m smiling more. I showed my husband your note about one of your kids and how strong-willed they were and the lack of pain giving them no fear of falling or getting hurt or consequences. He was encouraged to see that even children with special needs and special circumstances can make it. We had both met you years ago when you spoke to our large homeschool group and we were so impressed with your children. To me I guess that’s what says it all. I was a first-time mom and wanted to homeschool and raise my children right. I saw what you had, and wanted it too. Thank you being willing to put yourself out there, and willing to answer my plea for help.”
Now, let me tell you again that I am not perfect, and my children are not perfect. But God is. Let’s keep looking to Him for the correct example.
Life is full of turbulence. It’s hard. It’s painful. Parenting is full of turbulence, too. There aren’t a lot of easy, pat answers. We are all going to fall down, make mistakes, and fail. Love unconditionally as God loves us, forgive always as He has forgiven us.
Let me end with a few questions:
Are you consistent?
Do you follow through?
Are you willing to follow God’s example?
Comments 13
oh Kim. thank you so much for writing this. I really need to hear this. I want so bad to do a better job and I’m just like that mom. Nobody wnats to have me over. A friend even told me it was cause of my kids. I love my kids and think they are great but they really are terror in public. Its embarassing sometimes. I know i have given them the reins to be this way. just like the other mother I’m tired all the time. I will also send you an email.
When will the book be out? I think I really need to read it. I want to read it. You speak plain and with love to me.
Can you give me some more Bible stuff to look up?
Thanks you,
Maria
I came back today fter church to see what you might say. I was upset the other day. I realise i have been making excuses for my children and theire behavior. It was not fun to feel like you were speaking directly to me. I knows I need help but who wants to admit that nowadays?
I told my mom about your website she went and read it and came over. She knew I was upset and hugged me. I’ve never let my mom give me any advise because I wanted to prove that I could do it and that I was a good mom. She forgave me and hugged me again and again and said she would help me however I wanted or needed. She pointed me to the passage in the Bible about the older women instructing the younger women. I was embarrassed so bad.
Kimberley, I know that you are younger than me but have been parenting longer than me. I am looking for instruction.
My mom and I look forward to hearing from you.
Learning lessons the hard way,
Monica
I thought I would be the first to comment as I was writing the prior comment.
I would like to say to other moms out there to open their Bible and look up about younger women turning to older women.
My mother lives with us and that is part of why I have never wanted her help. She has been patient and kind with me but I notice my children behave better for her than for me.
I have waited too long to ask for advise. Please help me. And to others please know it okay to ask for guidance.
Monica
ouch is right.
when you asked the question about raising my kids now and 50-100 years ago. I knew that I was wrong.
I need help too. Oh my gosh it’s hard to say that.
I’m off to search more Bible verses.
Kathy
yuck. why do you have to step on my toes?
This is so extremely needed. But is no one else really brave enough to say it? Is there anyone really willing to listen to learn? Yes. I can say that I’ve tried everything but my children still do not behave the way they should. I know it’s been my inconsistency.
I’m one of those that’s calm and I let my children push my buttons and they push and push until they know I will explode and give in. They know this and so we go through it over everything. I remember you telling me a while back at a parenting conference that “no” means “no.” You even showed me the reference that says “let your yes be yes, and your no be no.”
I want to “train” them like you talk about. Help please.
Willing to admit I am embarrassed by my children’s behavior,
Mary
another mom commented on the first blog and mentioned that she was trying to do everything in her power. That’s me too. At least I thought that was what I was doing until your convicting words today.
I admit that the tv and dvd player and video games do a lot of babysitting because I get tired and drained. Your example were on target. I knew as soon as I read that my husband and I have done those very same things, and we’ve always said that it’s because of the times we are in.
That’s so wrong and I know it. It took something to get my attention. It took your words and your love of us. God is using you my dear. So some of us might get our defenses up when you first “get on your soapbox” as you put it. But you are correct. If our children are still not behaving correctly, if they are not listening, then there IS work to be done. My eyes have been opened.
I called an older lady in my church today. Someone who’s children I would love my children to be like. I asked her for her to mentor me. I thought I would be humiliated, but it was refreshing and a great relief.
I’ll be emailing you my dear. Thank you and to all those reading please be willing to open your heart and mind to God using His servants. He did indeed give us one another to help one another.
Carrie
I met Kimberley when she spoke to my ladies group about parenting.
At first, I didn’t believe what she said could help me because I too have a special needs child. And my child does not respond like normal kids do. Then she told story after story of the little one who doesn’t feel pain. What a challenge that has been! I started to imagine what a hurdle that was and then she said the same thing – no means no. She talked a lot about sticking with it and that consistency was really hard but worth it.
When I met Kimberley’s children and we all got to watch them for several days, I was shocked. I swallowed my pride and instantly knew that I wanted whatever it was she did.
Her message needs to be shared. It’s given in love and she truly wants to help others. Like she said at the end of one of our sessions – we all have different gifts and abilities and we all need to use them and share. She can obviously help all of us in this area.
Linda
I am a single young adult, and I thank you for this post.
I was wonderfully blessed to be raised in a home that had consistency, surrounded by other families that had consistency. I can remember as a child seeing other children acting out and thinking, “I don’t want to be like that.” Today, I see children acting out, and I am not nearly as annoyed by the child as I am offended by the parent. Do we not realize how poorly we are treating our children when we aren’t consistent?
*smile* I just referred to myself as a parent. I am not. However, my family is fairly close-knit, and I have been involved in the raising of others children. I have watched cousins who are consistent and firm with their children, and cousins who don’t follow through and are easy to influence. I have seen their children grow. I remember seeing two parents once tell their mother, “you WILL NOT interfere with how we are raising our children.” Their children, while very cute and moderately well behaved for other authority figures when their parents aren’t around, are beasts toward their parents.
I appreciate this post, because it says something that I cannot say. Much as some parents may bother me, I have no right to reprimand them because I have never been a parent. Whether or not I have something good to say, it is out of line for me to say it. Thank you for saying it.
Tim
Tim, I can relate to your circumstances. I am blessed to have been raised in a strict household with consistency, although my 2 younger brothers weren’t as much. They are 8 and 13 years younger, so there is a 15-year spread from my older brother to my youngest. I had a hand in raising my 2 younger, and when I’ve seen other children acting out or misbehaving or treating their parents like idiots, I’ve been faced with the same thing.
I’m not a parent, how can I possibly have any advice. So, I kept quiet and simply rolled my eyes, then walked away. It’s those families I avoid since I firmly believe as Kim does that the solution is in God’s Word and that children NEED consistency, discipline and guidelines. The parent is in control, not the child.
Now, I’m married and my husband and I are trying to start a family. I figure Kim’s book will be out about the time we’re ready to read it…and will no doubt need it. 🙂 I pray we can stick to God’s Word and rely on HIS strength to give our children the parenting and home-environment they need to help them grow up healthy and wise.
Thanks, Kim!
Tim, I can relate to your circumstances. I am blessed to have been raised in a strict household with consistency, although my 2 younger brothers weren't as much. They are 8 and 13 years younger, so there is a 15-year spread from my older brother to my youngest. I had a hand in raising my 2 younger, and when I've seen other children acting out or misbehaving or treating their parents like idiots, I've been faced with the same thing.
I'm not a parent, how can I possibly have any advice. So, I kept quiet and simply rolled my eyes, then walked away. It's those families I avoid since I firmly believe as Kim does that the solution is in God's Word and that children NEED consistency, discipline and guidelines. The parent is in control, not the child.
Now, I'm married and my husband and I are trying to start a family. I figure Kim's book will be out about the time we're ready to read it…and will no doubt need it. 🙂 I pray we can stick to God's Word and rely on HIS strength to give our children the parenting and home-environment they need to help them grow up healthy and wise.
Thanks, Kim!
I have an autistic child. Kim had worked with our homeschool group in Louisiana helping us “unorganized” moms organize ourselves and our curriculum. She had been a music teacher for many years, and even though her own children were babies at the time, she helped me a lot with mine.
My child is very repetitive and doesn’t always get it the first time. Kim taught me consistency because I was wearing myself down always trying to come up with something new. She bought him a special blanket he liked to touch. She would sit down with him and they would touch the blanket together and it was calming to him. He only got to touch the blanket when a new “training” was happening. She taught him many skills that way, and we were able to reinforce it at home. We did it thousands of times, but consistency won and I am so blessed.
Kim, I’m glad I’ve found you again. Your show was so touching and I cried through Montel. I would love to help since you have helped me so much.
Karen 🙂
what a day. I’m very thankful for your writing but that doesn’t mean it is easy to take the big pill and swallow. I was like a couple of the other parents whom didn’t enjoy your words at first,. I wanted to get upset and defensive and then the Holy Spirit burst that balloon. It is prideful and arrogant for us to think that we all know what we are doing and can’t learn from one another. or that we’ve tried everything or are doing everyhing we possibly can. We can always learn.
Thanks to you for pointing out the most obvious. We are not perfect, we all need help, we should be looking to God’s word for that help, and humbling ourselves to ask others for help, we should be loving and forgiving.
I pray for your ministry and writing. Please continue it. A few “ouches” here and there will not kill us.
Terry
Kim, you are dead on as always! As I saw day in and day out at the Y, kids are so different these days…some good, some bad, and those that are just having an “off” day…but regardless of what category they fall under, the best parents are the ones who love them anyway! None of us are perfect, parent or not, but at the very least many of us can, and should learn from previous mistakes. I am not a parent, but when that day comes, I feel confident enough that I have learned from the “mistakes” I have made and those I have observed others make.
On a side note, I am super excited for you and this wonderful opportunity you have been given to reach out to a larger group of people through your writing! I hope everyone who reads this (and of course the book) learn as much from you as I have!!
I love y’all and miss y’all a whole lot, and I hope we can catch up soon!
Erica
::onewhoswimsinpool::